Wednesday, August 5, 2015

I'm Not Being Brave

I’m making a huge cross country move in the next two weeks and I’m scared. There. I said it. I am scared. I’m afraid to make this big change and move away from my family, my friends, my secure job, and basically everything that I know. Oddly enough when I talk about this move, people have told me that I’m brave. The truth is that I don’t feel brave, at least not in the sense of the word as I see it. When I think of the word brave I picture many truly brave people, but me moving simply because I have a desire to? That doesn’t feel brave at all. All I’m doing is following the pursuit of my heart. I’m finally pursuing something that I have always felt I needed to do. There’s no easy way to explain it, but I have always known that moving back to California was something I had to do. 
This Summer in Chicago has been amazing-making it that much harder to leave

I’ve been reading the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown for sometime now. This is one of those books that seems to call to me exactly when I need it. Recently while reading I stumbled on the passage about the definition of courage. She explains how the definition of courage had originally meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all of one’s heart” but now the definition has evolved to be the equivalent with heroics- two very different ideas. The original definition of courage really stood out to me. I underlined it and thought about it. But I wondered, why did it stand out to me so much? What was it about that definition that resonated with me? It finally hit me, I don’t feel brave about making this move, I feel courageous in the old sense of the term. When I talk about this move, I speak about how I’ve always felt it in my heart that I had to move back to California and so by making the move I’m telling all of my heart. With this understanding of the term, I can still discuss my fear, anxiety, excitement and pure joy. I’m not discussing how courageous I am in terms of facing any sort of heroics. I’m simply listening to my heart’s desire and telling it all through my journey.

My super loved and written over copy of The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
So yes, I’m nervous about this move but I’m also really excited and hopeful. I’m shedding all of the societal concepts I had been clinging to as a woman in my twenties in an effort to follow my own dreams. I have amazing prospects waiting for me when I get there and there is potential to live the life that I have always envisioned for myself. And what if I fail? That is a reality that it could happen. I fully know and comprehend that, but I also have faith that I’ll be ok no matter what. I just have to be courageous though it and welcome all that life has to offer.
Take a deep breath, its all going to be ok.

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